Rabbit Droppings

Deafening Pleasure

I can’t believe we’re going through this again, she left her purse at my house, it was as simple as that, and now we’re f%cking on my couch- what’s worse, we’re both sober. I don’t know if I can do this anymore, she’s not even a very good lay. Well, I take that back, she’s a great lay, in fact that’s all she does- lay there.

I get up and start putting the contents of her purse back together, it’s been knocked over in our carelessness.
“What are you doing,” her voice quickly hysterical.
“We can’t do this anymore.”
“So that’s it? You’re just going to stop?”
“Well f*ck, you never started.” Oops, I should’ve left that last part out, it’s times like this I wish I shared my sister’s sense of diplomacy, and not just her girlfriend.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It’s just that you don’t really move, I don’t even think you enjoy it. I don’t even know why you do it except some f*cked up revenge to Mellisa.”
“Don’t bring her into this.”
“Well, what is it then?” She sits and puts her head in her hands. She looks beautiful sitting there in some unknown torture- I must admit, Mellisa has good taste.
Oh, f*ck it.
“Look, I’m sorry.” I kneel in front of her, “I just don’t know what I’m- what we’re doing sometimes, but I was out of line.” I stroke her hair, lift her chin, and look into her eyes, they are wet and I almost feel guilty. I kiss her eyes, then I kiss her mouth, then I turn her over the couch and continue. It’s pretty tacky, but it’s what she wants, and I wouldn’t mind finishing myself.

She reaches down to masturbate, and after she finishes I pull out and come on her back. It’s one of those porn star moments that offers little of the release I expected. I collapse onto her, more out of effect than exhaustion.

In the background Bright Eyes is playing, he’s talking about deafening pleasure- I could use a little of that. What is this girl doing here, what am I doing on top of her, and why doesn’t Mellisa stop us? I know she knows, I think her vengeance is leaving us to out own devices. I don’t know what could possible be in this for Michelle. She starts crying below me, I move off of her and pull her into my arms; she takes solace for a moment before pushing away and getting up. As she puts on her clothes I admire her body, and notice, not for the first time, bruises on her arms and legs- never careful, that one.

She picks up her purse and looks at me her eyes dripping with meaning I’ll never understand. She turns and leaves without a word- always dramatic, that one.

I hope I never see her again, I can’t see her again. I haven’t even cleaned up and I’m starting to cool off, so I wipe off and get dressed.

It’s times like these I suspect reality TV isn’t staged at all, I can’t help it, I can’t turn down sex, I never have, sh*t if Mellisa came onto me, I’d probably go for it. It used to be worth it. I used to experience deafening pleasure complete with fireworks and partial blindness, but now I’m lucky if I don’t get nauseous. I don’t know why I keep trying, it’s like a junkie always reaching for that first high. No, I know why; anything to escape the monotony of existence. Anything to feel passion, Love, lust, anything, anything but this deadening numbness.

Now look at me, wallowing as the sun goes down, well screw this, I need to get out. I brush my teeth and head out to Delirium. I see Danielle as I walk in and take a seat next to her at the bar.
“Hey,” she says looking about four cocktails into her evening. She kisses my cheek and rests her head on my shoulder.
“I saw Michelle tonight.”
“You’re-a-fu-cking-dumb-@ss,” she sings to me trying to suppress giggles. Trying, and failing.
“Thanks, that’s helpful.”
“I do what I can. How was it, did you do it?”
“Yah, and it was beautiful, as always.”
“I don’t get you. Why do you keep doing it of it’s so awful?”