When I was In Love with Kerri I was not brave. I was terrified. I had been strange for so many years that I couldn’t handle being that much stranger. I didn’t hold her on a pedastle but hid her under my bed, which was hard because I Loved her more than I existed, but I existed so little in those days, maybe it wasn’t hard at all. I think she may have been brave, at least brave enough to follow my lead. If I had Loved her out loud I don’t think she would have denied me, but I whispered, shhh… don’t tell, and she hid.
But we met where it was dark, I got a hall pass and snuck her out of her class and brought her to a bathroom, I pushed her against the wall and kissed her hard, we did everything hard because we were desperate, romantic carreses are for people with time to spare, we had seconds, burning youth, and hot mouths; and I stuck my hands in her pants, because I was impetuous, because I liked to get my fingers wet. But, God, her eyes, I had no choice, I did whatever she wanted. I licked the grout, I cleaned the toilettes, nothing mattered as long as she was happy. But I think she just wanted a girlfriend, someone who would hold her hand in the halls, I could sooner have given her the pipes from the wall. I couldn’t claim the most beautiful girl in school, that just might make me worse than a coward, but I think cowards bad enough, I mean I was in Junior High. I’ll take whatever forgiveness I can get.
Good night, good year, …
“Dad, Bobby won’t leave us alone.”
My dad made Bobby stand away from the van, and I sat next to Kerri in the back-seat, while the adults sat outside and smoked pot. Suddenly I was very nervous, suddenly we were finally alone, and all of the hints and innuendoes of the day hung between us in expected action. But the mood had faltered in the distractions of my little brother. Kerri sensed my fear, she kissed my wrist, then my forearm and continued kissing up my arm till she was at my face and our lips touched and then our tongues touched and holy crap we were making out! Her hand slipped between my legs, which were on fire. I wanted to consume her, our mouths pressed hard together, my hands wrapped in her hair and hers in mine. We knew we had to stop, but we couldn’t, we’d been teasing each other, testing each other for months, as our friendship turned to flirtation, to obsession and now she was in my arms, and I was so turned on I could cry.
We pulled away and stared at each other amazed, no more hints, no more teasing, we wanted each other, that much was clear. God, she was hot. These big brown eyes were looking at me and these full luscious lips were slightly moist with my spit, and she had freckles, and I was in Love. Such a Love that was bigger than my chest and pushed out on my ribcage and hurt. Hurt worse than the needles I stuck in my skin to see if I could still feel sensation, when I was numb inside.
The rest of the day we were giddy, stealing kisses when no one was looking. We held hands and ran everywhere laughing hysterical with wonder. On the drive home we whispered secrets and when we dropped her off she kissed me on the cheek. “I’m concerned about your sexuality,” my dad said after she closed the door, I started laughing, “What are you talking about?” “You two don’t seem right, and she kissed you when she left.” “She kissed me on the cheek, all girls do that, it’s just what we’re like dad.” “It just doesn’t seem right to me.” “Whatever.” His suspicions couldn’t bring me down, I knew he had no proof, nothing that could hold up in court anyways. I just kept laughing, it was best to make him feel silly for even bringing it up.
“Hello?” I had called her as soon as I got home.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” she said hi again when she realised it was me, but it was a different hi this time, her voice lilted and made hi into two words, an excitement in her voice that made me feel like the most important person in the world. I could listen to her greet me all day.
“I just wanted to say goodnight.”
“Goodnight,” her voice whispered at the end in this sexy conspiratorial way.
“I Love you.”
“I Love you too.”
I hung up the phone, with my heart racing, I brushed my teeth, and laughed randomly, wondering how I would ever fall asleep. As I laid in bed I replayed the day over and over again in my head. I was excited and turned on and I finally got down to relieving some of the tension that had built up in the day as I fantasized about what we would do if we were really alone for a while.
